longdistancerelationship

LOVE STARTS WITH ME

I used to believe that the 20s was the best time in life to snag a mate.
From my perspective as a 13-year-old girl, the 20s seemed like the prime years of life, a time for independence, freedom, and for falling in love. I’m imagined I’d be young and fresh, exciting and energetic, inspired and in love…what a perfect time for a romance. Finding love would be easy, in your 20s.

I don’t know that I believe that, anymore. Now that I’m married and also passed my 20’s- I look back at some of those earlier years and realize how little I actually knew. There was a world of experiences and lessons yet to be had in the decade that followed. There’s so much that I know now, that I didn’t know back then, that I had to learn along the way.
If my teen years taught me how to be “self-centered”, my 20s taught me that I really had very little grasp of my “true self”. I had no idea who I was or where I was going- even when I thought I had a clue. If I could write a relationship manual to my 20-year old self, here’s what it would say:

1. Date…Yourself: The 20s really are an incredible time in life. As your independence develops, the world opens up in ways it never could have before. But more than anything, your 20s is actually a time of transformation. You are changing, growing, maturing, and evolving more rapidly than you could even imagine. Your personality is just starting to take shape, and the seeds of interests, passions, talents that were planted in your teen years are only now starting to grow.
While it may be so tempting to search for love, don’t do it without first taking the time to date yourself. Before I get into relationship advice, let me start by introducing the concept of Dating Inward. In other words, get to know yourself. Know who you are, what you need, and where you’re going. Get a good grasp of the story you’re creating for yourself, because only then will you be able to recognize the kind of person who fits into your story.

2. Don’t Fixate on Being Single: I’m sad I wasted so many years focused on “being single” because looking back, my 20s was a time filled with relationships and life. I was surrounded by amazing friends in college, mentors and professors who invested in me, an incredible community, and relatives who supported me. God had surrounded me with a community of rich and life-giving people that I often-times missed out on because I was so caught up with the fact that Bose on the next street just got engaged, and chinenye was planning her wedding, and Jane  just got flowers from her boyfriend. I wasted too many opportunities to connect with significant people in my life, because I was focused on finding a “significant other”…..

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3. Don’t Act Desperate, Because You’re Not: If age was actually an indicator of being “desperate”…your 20’s definitely doesn’t make the cut. Why is it then, that there are so many 20-year-olds feeling like they need to catch the marriage boat before the clock strikes midnight and they turn the dreaded 3-0? So much compromise, settling, and life-altering mistakes happen in a person’s 20s because they would rather be with someone than deal with the fear of being alone. So many people are left with the biggest regrets of their life, things they wish they would have resisted in their 20s.

Sadly, we’re all part of the problem. We’ve created a culture that puts pressure on men and women to get married at a certain time, a certain age, in a certain way. But at the end of the day, finding the right marriage has little to do with our timing- or anyone else’s for that matter- and everything to do with God’s timing. Remember the only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel. Block out all the voices, the expectations, and the fears- and keep your eyes fixed on what is in front and within you. Look at all that the many blessings that surrounds you and then relax, let go, and trust God for the rest. Greater things are yet to come.

4. Don’t Wait to Live Your Life: Stop waiting, and start living. That should be the motto every 20-year-old hangs on their wall. The 20’s are filled with so much “waiting”: waiting for the right school, the right job, the right opportunity, the right spouse, the right income….waiting for that house, that car, that insurance plan. Waiting for love, for marriage, for family etc. Whatever it is you are waiting for, stop waiting and start living.
So much of our life is wasted in waiting, when God is calling us to enjoy the life He’s given us right here and right now. We don’t need another thing to happen in order for us to live our lives, we just need more of what we have already that brings us Joy. We were made to rejoice in life, Right here, and right now. -DEBRA FILETA

The 10 Commandments of Online Dating

Finding the right romantic partner often seems like looking for piece of hay in a large stack of needles: a painful process with somewhat disappointing rewards. Online dating eliminates the need to get dressed up, musked up and out there – but that doesn’t mean there isn’t etiquette to follow. Just like in the real world you’ll need to come across as charming, polite and desirable, and just like in the real world a little bit of knowledge can make the process a whole lot easier. So today we’ll show you ten fundamentals every online dater should take as gospel.

1. Thou Shalt Stand Out From The Crowd

A catchy title and some more unusual interests can go a long way. Spend a few minutes coming up with a decent profile that shows you as witty and unique instead of joining the legions who give as their only interests ‘TV, music and film’. Surely you can’t be that boring? Be careful though, being too alternative may come across as weird and limit your pool of potential partners.

Mr. Right: ‘When I’m not flying my helicopter or giving guided tours of the Vatican, I like to go off-piste skiing – but I always try to make time for my charity work in Patagonia.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘I like watching TV. I also like lifting up rocks to look at the insects underneath.’

2. Thou Shalt Not Display Thy Baggage
A lot of online daters have baggage from their past – this may be anything from kids to a psycho-ex who stalks them, or perhaps even a full sex change. Don’t put off potential suitors by placing this baggage in full view of everyone: give people a chance to get to know you before you let them decide whether the fact you only have four toes on one foot is an obstacle to love.

Mr. Right: ‘I’m open minded middle-age man hoping to meet someone similar.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Please ignore my ex who will leave road kill on your doorstep and vandalise your car if you date me. By the way I have a glass eye.’

3. Thou Shalt Post A Photo That Honours Thy True Appearance.
We all do it: posing for photos and then selecting the ones that show us in our best light – and there’s nothing wrong with it. However, if you’re photoshopping your image before posting it or even using an image of someone else, you’ve definitely crossed the line.

Mr. Right: ‘I think I look pretty good in this one.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Brad Pitt from a weird angle – she’ll never know.’

4. Thou Shalt Be Fully Proactive
There are plenty of potential partners out there waiting for you, but just like in real life competition is stiff. To maximise you chances target as many people as possible and try not to get hung-up on that one girl who used to be a playboy bunny – every other man on the site will have messaged her too. By the same token (and this applies mainly to women) always respond to interest, even if you don’t like him – it’s only polite.

Mr. Right: ‘I love you. And you. And you. And you…’

Mr. Wrong: ‘If you won’t marry me in the next ten minutes, I’m going to end it all.’

5. Thou Shalt Always Be Realistic
Messaging a glamour model whose interests include opera and fine dining and last whose boyfriend was the heir to the crown of Luxembourg? By all means give it a shot, but remember the aim of online dating is to set up a real face-to-face date – and if she doesn’t like your face when you turn up, you’ll be in for an embarrassing brush off. Normal rules of dating apply: go for those who are realistic and whom you feel you’ll genuinely click with.

Mr. Right: ‘I don’t have a private plane or a yacht, but if love was worth money I’d be a millionaire.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Usually I date ugly girls but I thought I’d move up a level.’
6. Thou Shalt Not Be Blatant

If we’re honest, sexual satisfaction is right up there in terms of why people want to get married, yet just like in the real world, nothing gives a worse impression than admitting this situation, whether directly or indirectly: at best you’ll appear desperate, at worse a twisted sexual maniac. So be casual. Try to covertly steer conversation towards the more risque end of the spectrum, but never be obvious about it. Just because you’d be delighted if a stranger on a bus asked you about your deepest fantasies, not everyone else would.

Mr. Right: ‘I really like curling up with a good book and a hot water bottle, it’s even better when there’s a beautiful girl lying next to you…’

Mr. Wrong: ‘No sexual act is too foul or depraved for me. I’ll do literally anything’.
7. Thou Shalt Be Honest At All Times
This goes hand-in-hand with being realistic. By all means make the most of what you’ve got, jazz yourself up and inject a bit of spice into your CV – but don’t outright lie. Hopefully you’ll be meeting them in the not too distant future so claiming to be a 6′ 3″ bodybuilder, with a pilot’s licence and a wardrobe full of designer clothes will definitely backfire if you’re not a 6’ 3″ bodybuilder with a…

Mr. Right: ‘I’ve been told I have rugged good looks, but if I’m honest I’m looking for someone I can connect with emotionally as well as physically.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘I’m definitely not just looking for sex… what cup size did you say you were?’

8. Thou Shalt Be Witty And Concise

Avoid writing a novel when messaging a potential partner. Keep you messages short and sweet – this will encourage you to make the most of the words you do communicate, hopefully making you appear deeper and more witty. This also has the added benefit of giving you a certain mystique: as you should know, a large part of attraction is what is unsaid, so be suggestive and leave them hanging on.

Mr. Right: ‘I’m leaving for Paris early tomorrow so I’ll say goodnight. Wish you were here to tuck me in…’

Mr. Wrong: ‘…and then I went to the shop and said to the woman, do you have these in a size 10, and she said to me no, so I said why not, and she said to me she didn’t know, so I said do you have these in a size 11….’

9. Thou Shalt Always Stay Safe

It almost goes without saying, never arrange to meet anyone you don’t fully trust. If this means taking it slow and getting to know each other through email and phone conversations, than so be it. Your safety is of paramount concern, unless of course you want an episode of CSI to be based on your sorry little story.

Mr. Right: ‘I’m fine going at whatever speed your comfortable with.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘Meet me at the deserted warehouse at midnight.’

10. Thou Shalt Always Remember That The Online Dating World Is Only An Extension Of The Real World – Not Some Magical Kingdom Of Dreams
As long as you remember that online dating won’t necessarily introduce you to the man/woman of your dreams and that even if it did, you might not live happily ever after and even if you do, you’ll always have to live with the fact you met on the internet… than you’ll have a great time.

Mr. Right: ‘Behind the profile is a real man who feels and cares.’

Mr. Wrong: ‘With the click of a button we’ll all live happily ever after.’
** This article was written by Tom Davie, a student at Cambridge University.

HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORKS

HOW TO MAKE A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORKS
In a world where one has to make ends meet, study hard and strive to become somebody, leaving one comfort zone and breaking new grounds is inevitable, but the impact of distance on relationships cannot be overemphasized.

It is commonly said that “out of sight is out of mind” , this is because its easier to get carried away when you’re not with the one you love, even though true love should be able to stand the test of time, but distance has its way of taking its tolls on relationships if not well managed.

It is hard enough to make local relationships work, but having miles, states, and sometimes even an ocean between you makes it even more difficult. However, successful long distance relationships can and do exist. It will survive as long as you are willing to work it out. Here are few tips that can help you to keep it steamy hot even when you are miles away from the one you love:

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1. Ask the important questions at the onset:  If relationship is not defined, weathering the storms of distance becomes an issue. Make sure you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. Setting parameters such as naming your relationship (dating, seeing each other, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged) as well as defining exclusive (limited to one person,) or non-exclusive. These can be difficult and awkward questions to ask, but will save you great heartache and misunderstanding down the line. Example: “Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?” or “What are you looking to get out of the relationship?” Stating your end goal or ideas will allow each person to maintain what they need.

2. Do things together: Defy the distance. As a long distance couple, it’s important to do other things together besides the usual phone call. In a long distance relationship, interaction over the phone can become dull in the long run. Incorporating other forms of interaction are important. Just think… People in short-distance relationships do not spend the majority of their time talking, but rather doing things with each other. Try to replicate this by finding things to do together such as watching a TV show, reading novels/books or watching movie simultaneously.

3. Communicate as often as possible: Since you won’t be seeing each other, it’s important to establish and maintain an emotional connection. These don’t always have to be long, in-depth conversations. Tell each other about your little triumphs and tragedies. Ask for advice. Use an instant messenger program, real-time chat, or web cams for that visual connection. E-mail is great so make sure you use it, especially if long-distance phone calls put a strain on your budget. Remember that e-mail and even instant messengers can increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Write love letters. Send small gifts or flowers for no reason. In this case, quantity is as important as quality. You may discover an advantage over others whose partner is close at hand—you don’t take communication for granted! There’s nothing like too busy to reach out to someone you love, nothing!

4. Take advantage of the advantages and benefits: Its a common saying that staying too long together can lead to been boring, in fact it is clinically advised that every one should have his/her own time in a relationship/marriage to avoid emotionally overburdening the relationship. Take advantage of the benefits that the distance offered and make the best of it. Learn new business/skill, spend more time with friends and/or family, get another certificate, volunteer in a caus eyoure passionate about etc. Another advantage of distance relationship is the fact that you fight and argue less, no arguments over toothpaste caps, no enlargement over who did what…. The pleasure of seeing your sweetheart again after a long absence, time to mull your options (rather than snapping at your partner impulsively) before you respond to that email s/he wrote that seemed so rude the first time you read it, etc. Most important, being far apart gives you a chance to maintain your individuality—something that can get lost in the shuffle when couples spend all their free time together. Here are additional benefits of long distance relationships.

5. Pursue common interests: even if it means pursuing them apart. If there’s a movie you’re both interested in seeing, watch it individually and then call each other afterward and talk about it. Read a certain book at the same time. Stargaze while you’re on the phone. Set your watches to go off at the same time every day, and synchronize your alarm with that of your partner. Make it a point to think of each other when your watch goes off, and revel in the fact that he or she is thinking about you, too. Find creative ways to bond.

6. Avoid the temptation to be controlling. People have free will and no one can or should control another person. As long as you are both interested in being in the relationship, you will stick with it and distance will not make a difference. As soon as one of you decides the other is not a good match—or someone else is a better match—your relationship ends, whether you live 3000 miles apart, two streets over, or share the same bed with your wedding picture on the wall. You are going to have to trust each other completely if this relationship is going to work.

7. Try challenging each other: This is not the same as being controlling. You may find that you can do things for each other that you couldn’t quite find the motivation to do on your own. Perhaps you could motivate yourselves to get some exercise or to cook better or more often. It will give you something to do while you wait to see your partner again, and it will give you both something to strive for and talk about until then.

8. Talk about your future together: Assuming that ultimately you’d want to live together, discussing how you’re going to get to that point will help you prove to each other that the relationship is going somewhere and that your efforts and frustrations are not in vain.

9. Remember: Things will get better with time, and even the relationship will become better. Have hope. Visit often. Try to make the time to visit each other as often as possible or as often as your budget permits you to. A relationship cannot thrive if the only thing you have is the phone call. You need to see each other up close and personal every chance you get. The key here is to set up some “rules” about frequency of communication and visits and stick to them. Consistency can help a long-distance relationship survive.

10. Avoid jealousy and be trusting. One of the easiest ways to destroy a perfectly healthy relationship is to poison it with jealousy and drama. When you start a long distance relationship, you must be realistic of the difficulties ahead. It always helps if you go in a relationship with the idea that everyone is innocent and worthy of trust until proven otherwise. Don’t fall in the trap of interrogating your partner every time he/she decides to go out for a drink with people you haven’t met or he/she didn’t get back to you right away when you called and left a message. Just because you are in a long-distance relationship doesn’t mean your lives will pause. Your partner will naturally have a social life where he/she lives and so should you. Sure, it helps to have your eyes open and not be totally naive, but being overly suspicious is unhealthy for you and your relationship too. You should both maintain your social activity and be happy with yourselves.

11. Be positive. Staying positive and not focusing on the negative aspects of a long-distance relationship is essential to keeping your relationship blooming and your partner content. Being away from your sweetie is not all bad news. Use the opportunity of personal time to pursue your interests and hobbies as well as your career objectives. Another positive point is that long distance dating pushes both of you to be more creative, to communicate better since you don’t have “face-to-face” time and to test (and express) your feelings. As long as you see the long-distance relationship as a temporary state, you will keep your chin up and transmit that feeling of security and happiness to your partner too.
Give them a personal object of yours so in a time of need, when they miss you, they are able to hold on to something that once belonged to you. This will provide comfort, happiness, and the thought of being with you.

12. Work towards a balanced relationship between partners: A relationship must be built on strong foundations of trust, understanding and determination to make it work. The two partners should be reasonable about their expectations and willing to cooperate so that the relationship can lead to a happy ending. If these parameters are taken care of, you have nothing to worry about. But don’t forget to ask some questions because if you don’t, your partner may start to think that you’re losing interest.

13. Create your own set of relationship standards that both of you have mutually agreed upon. That creates a common goal for you to work towards, developing a strong relationship whether you are together or apart. For example, agree to disagree, accept each other as you are, practice trust and honesty, strive towards compromise and self-sacrifice, seek spiritual unity, and maintain open communication.
14. Set date and time for your plans: Don’t just plan, we will get married soon, we will work on staying together soon….. Make sure you include date on every of your plans and goals and work towards achieving it on the set date.

15. Be committed: Commitment is more of determination and not just only about feelings. Be disciplined enough to be dedicated to your relationship. If your commitment is strong enough, overcoming temptations and the challenges that comes with distance becomes easier.

Are you in a distance relationship/marriage and finding it difficult to make things work? Follow here to talk to a counselor: http://counselling.intimatesolutionnetwork.com/service/

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