matchmakinginngeria

LOVE STARTS WITH ME

I used to believe that the 20s was the best time in life to snag a mate.
From my perspective as a 13-year-old girl, the 20s seemed like the prime years of life, a time for independence, freedom, and for falling in love. I’m imagined I’d be young and fresh, exciting and energetic, inspired and in love…what a perfect time for a romance. Finding love would be easy, in your 20s.

I don’t know that I believe that, anymore. Now that I’m married and also passed my 20’s- I look back at some of those earlier years and realize how little I actually knew. There was a world of experiences and lessons yet to be had in the decade that followed. There’s so much that I know now, that I didn’t know back then, that I had to learn along the way.
If my teen years taught me how to be “self-centered”, my 20s taught me that I really had very little grasp of my “true self”. I had no idea who I was or where I was going- even when I thought I had a clue. If I could write a relationship manual to my 20-year old self, here’s what it would say:

1. Date…Yourself: The 20s really are an incredible time in life. As your independence develops, the world opens up in ways it never could have before. But more than anything, your 20s is actually a time of transformation. You are changing, growing, maturing, and evolving more rapidly than you could even imagine. Your personality is just starting to take shape, and the seeds of interests, passions, talents that were planted in your teen years are only now starting to grow.
While it may be so tempting to search for love, don’t do it without first taking the time to date yourself. Before I get into relationship advice, let me start by introducing the concept of Dating Inward. In other words, get to know yourself. Know who you are, what you need, and where you’re going. Get a good grasp of the story you’re creating for yourself, because only then will you be able to recognize the kind of person who fits into your story.

2. Don’t Fixate on Being Single: I’m sad I wasted so many years focused on “being single” because looking back, my 20s was a time filled with relationships and life. I was surrounded by amazing friends in college, mentors and professors who invested in me, an incredible community, and relatives who supported me. God had surrounded me with a community of rich and life-giving people that I often-times missed out on because I was so caught up with the fact that Bose on the next street just got engaged, and chinenye was planning her wedding, and Jane  just got flowers from her boyfriend. I wasted too many opportunities to connect with significant people in my life, because I was focused on finding a “significant other”…..

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3. Don’t Act Desperate, Because You’re Not: If age was actually an indicator of being “desperate”…your 20’s definitely doesn’t make the cut. Why is it then, that there are so many 20-year-olds feeling like they need to catch the marriage boat before the clock strikes midnight and they turn the dreaded 3-0? So much compromise, settling, and life-altering mistakes happen in a person’s 20s because they would rather be with someone than deal with the fear of being alone. So many people are left with the biggest regrets of their life, things they wish they would have resisted in their 20s.

Sadly, we’re all part of the problem. We’ve created a culture that puts pressure on men and women to get married at a certain time, a certain age, in a certain way. But at the end of the day, finding the right marriage has little to do with our timing- or anyone else’s for that matter- and everything to do with God’s timing. Remember the only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel. Block out all the voices, the expectations, and the fears- and keep your eyes fixed on what is in front and within you. Look at all that the many blessings that surrounds you and then relax, let go, and trust God for the rest. Greater things are yet to come.

4. Don’t Wait to Live Your Life: Stop waiting, and start living. That should be the motto every 20-year-old hangs on their wall. The 20’s are filled with so much “waiting”: waiting for the right school, the right job, the right opportunity, the right spouse, the right income….waiting for that house, that car, that insurance plan. Waiting for love, for marriage, for family etc. Whatever it is you are waiting for, stop waiting and start living.
So much of our life is wasted in waiting, when God is calling us to enjoy the life He’s given us right here and right now. We don’t need another thing to happen in order for us to live our lives, we just need more of what we have already that brings us Joy. We were made to rejoice in life, Right here, and right now. -DEBRA FILETA

WHY MOST MARRIAGES DON’T LAST – PART 1

Why Most Marriages Don’t Last? Part 1
It is sometime confusing or should I say amazing when one considers the high number of marriages recorded all over the world every week. Yet, every week in different parts of the world and different jurisdictions, we have as much numbers of divorce suits filed in different cadres of courts.
Marriage has been defined as a relationship between Husband and Wife. It has also been defined as a union of a Man and Woman who have agreed to be bound together as husband and wife. Being curious, the second definition in particular referred to man and woman. This definition simply prompted my thought in the direction of whether gay marriage same sex marriage is permissible or should exist at all. However, that is a topic for another day.
I researched carefully and ‘unfortunately’ I could not see my desired definition of Marriage which would have been simply put thus: ‘A marriage is a union of a couple who were inspired by deep love and affection and chose to be united as husband and wife’. If my expectation of what marriage should mean or how it should be defined is too ambitious, then, I therefore have no option than to restrict myself to the definition as prescribed by the undisputed wise men of history. The issue therefore is: Why are most marriages short-lived? The answer is multi-dimensional and shall be x-rayed under the two headings of Primary and Secondary Causes: I shall deal 1st with primary causes:

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The 1st primary cause of a short-lived marriage could be attributed to the missing phrase in the definition of Marriage – True Love. Research has shown that many marriages failed because of the sudden disappearance of love between the couples. A true love does not fade, therefore cannot disappear. Many people go into relationship claiming to be in love mainly because of an attraction; it could be combination of some or any of the following: good looks, riches, fame, brilliance, or position. It is only commonsensical that none of the foregoing could be said to breed true love, rather it can only encourage likeness. There was a genuine feeling, but there was no genuine love. Most of the attributes enumerated above can only encourage serious likeness but definitely not love. It takes more than physical attraction or endowment or position in life for true love to develop. Love is more spiritual, it does not develop overnight, it grows gradually and it is more empirical than assumption. Likeness is often mistaken for Love and the couples with erroneous proclamation of love for each other hastily get married. The consequence of such anomaly is regular misunderstandings and inability to tolerate each other and ultimately, the couple after a couple of months or years of managing the union will get frustrated and follow different paths.
Another reason for a short-lived marriage could be total lack of feelings. This kind of situation arises where the marriage is a Marriage of Convenience. Marriage of convenience is aimed at satisfying a certain need of either or both couple. In this situation, it is not just that there is no love, but there is also absence of emotional feelings. It could be an imposition by parents or guardian or by voluntary contraction. It is a marriage that survives only on toleration. Sometimes it lasts forever, where it lasts long, and the couple lives a miserable life of trying to manage and make the marriage work; but most times the marriage collapse midway.
To be continued: In the next edition, I’ll delve further on other causes of short-lived marriage.
Ade Adegbite.

101WAYS TO EXPRESS LOVE TO YOUR PARTNER

101WAYS TO EXPRESS LOVE TO YOUR PARTNER

Its possible to get stranded sometimes when it comes to what to do to show how much you care. Probably because you don’t know what your partner really want, or you just cant say if you are doing it the right way. It is the desire of every human to feel loved and appreciated, and when you show love the right way, it has a way of making your partner glow.
Follow these 100 tips on what you can do to show love to your partner:

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1. Hug them.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call them at work just to say “Hi.”

4. Give them a foot massage.

5. Tell them a joke.

6. Caress them with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with them.

8. Send them a “happy gram.”

9. Admit your mistakes.

10. Say: “I love you.”

11. Indulge a whim.

12. Listen to them talk about an interest of theirs.

13. Be trustworthy.

14. Instead of complaining, tell them what you would prefer.

15. Look at them when you’re in a discussion.

16. Send flowers.

17. Compliment something they did.

18. Offer to help.

19. Ask them to show you how to do something.

20. Call when you are going to be late.

21. Take them out to dinner.

22. Write them a poem about how special they are.

23. Cut out a cartoon they’ll enjoy.

24. Ask them what they’d like sexually.

25. Go shopping together.

26. Take an afternoon drive.

27. Cuddle.

28. Put your arm around them in front of others.

29. Take them out on a surprise date.

30. Do something they want to do.

31. Listen.

32. Plan a candle light dinner.

33. Look at old photos together.

34. Serve them breakfast in bed.

35. Hold hands.

36. Share sexual fantasies.

37. Do a work project together.

38. Rub their back.

39. Take a shower together.

40. Carry their photo in your wallet.

41. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

42. Kiss them.

43. Smile more when you look at them.

44. Go for a bicycle ride together.

45. Surprise them with “special” attire.

46. Plan a picnic lunch.

47. Read something together about how to have a better relationship.

48. Repeat what they say before answering.

49. Say “Good morning” first.

50. Ask if they have a few minutes first before interrupting.

51. Send them a card.

52. Surprise them with a gift when it’s a non-holiday.

53. Cook them a favorite meal.

54. Try a new restaurant.

55. Ask them how they feel.

56. Let them know when you are proud of them.

57. Ask for their opinion.

58. Turn on some romantic music.

59. Dedicate a song to them.

60. Send them a balloon bouquet.

61. Watch a sunset together.

62. Play a game together.

63. Have them teach you something they know.

64. Go to a movie they select.

65. Ask them for a hug.

66. Wear some new cologne.

67. Take them to Bali.

68. Discuss future plans with them.

69. Ask if you can help when they look sad.

70. Ask them about their dreams.

71. Meet them for lunch.

72. Enlarge a scenic photo of a place you’ve shared.

73. Give them a gift certificate for their favorite store.

74. Tell them what you like about them.

75. Buy them a new perfume.

76. Take them to a scenic spot.

77. Send them a gourmet gift basket.

78. Send them a joke card.

79. Let them know when you’ve thought of them during the day.

80. Compliment them to their friends.

81. Bring them a thirst quenching drink.

82. Tell them when they look attractive.

83. Send them a post card.

84. Invite them to a secret rendezvous.

85. Give them a massage.

86. Take a lesson with them.

87. Look at photos together of when you met.

88. Plan a vacation with them.

89. Listen openly to their opposing opinion.

90. Buy them a new piece of jewelry.

91. Watch a TV show they like with them

92. Write them a letter.

93. Listen to music with them, such as an old favorite.

94. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear.

95. Tell them what you like that they do.

96. Give a head massage.

97.Invite them to a concert.

98. Go dancing together e.g salsa class

99. Go sporting together

100. Go to movies together

101. Stroke their palms

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