relationshipadvice

WORK ON YOU!

Roland and Esther met each other through a friend, courted for a couple of years and later got married. Roland has tried his best to make Esther happy but she was always lamenting that nobody including her husband loves her. At a counseling session after several years of Roland coping with the situation, the counselor discovered that Esther has been struggling with self rejection because of her terrible childhood experiences. This past experience had affected Esther so much that no one was willing to be her friend except her husband. She was always complaining and nagging and now Roland is almost giving up. Then the counselor began to educate both of them……

Relationships are not meant to be ENDURED but to be ENJOYED. Contrary to this many have developed coping skills in their relationships so they find themselves enduring everyday relationship such as marital, relationship with colleagues, family and friends. There are relationships we can easily get rid of as soon as they turn sour while there are some that will definitely leave a scar if we try separating from such.

Lack of fulfillment in relationships could be due to absence of a healthy relationship with yourself. In order words if I fail in my relationship with myself, I cannot relate well with anyone else. How we treat others is an extension of how we treat ourselves. The level of value you place on yourself determines how well you value another.

Moreover, the bible says the 2nd greatest commandment is ‘Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF’. So much emphasis has been placed on the first part of this statement while the other part is not so talked about. For instance if I inform you that you use a gadget the way you use another. In order words, I am saying that once you know how to use gadget B,it  is a pointer to how you use the gadget A. Therefore the journey of a great relationship starts with YOU! It begins with having a healthy relationship with yourself. If you don’t love YOU, you can’t LOVE me or anyone else. In order to know if you love YOU, kindly answer this question

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WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOU?

Love is a product of our thoughts. More often than not, we love people because of what we THINK of them. Hence, the question. What do you think of yourself? This goes beyond what your spouse, friend, pastor or family member think of you. As a matter of fact, it is easier to describe your partner than trying to express what you think of yourself. In order to prove this, I have asked few people to tell me what they think of themselves. Some came up with what people thought of them. They go like “my husband says; I am….. Or my mum feels like; I am sluggish.  As much as it is good to know what people’s views are about you because of what we call blind spot, It is dangerous to base how you feel about yourself on people’s thought of you. First, no one can know YOU like you know yourself. Secondly people judge us based on who they are. Someone said “what we judge in others is a disowned part of us.

Jesus asked his disciples while he was on earth with them “who do people say I am”. Among the 12 disciples, only one (Peter) person’s response resonated with what Jesus had in mind. This is why you must know who you are: weaknesses and strength, not denying any.  If you deny your weakness, you remain an old model of yourself because you can only improve on a product you know and understand.

The predominant thoughts of yourself can be an indicator of how much you love YOU. Many people reject genuine love because of self-rejection. They cannot just see what others see in them and don’t believe they are to be treated specially. This makes relationship very difficult. It is imperative that you know, accept, value and love yourself because how you treat yourself is how you will treat others. This is different from self-centeredness. Finally, lack of a healthy relationship with yourself could make you to put unnecessary pressure on your relationships like Esther did by demanding for what no other person is capable of giving you.

All of a sudden Esther started sobbing. She started realizing how terrible she felt about herself and her past mistakes. She always wished she was someone else: starting from her younger sister, to her friend in primary school, her class prefect in secondary school, her mate in the university and her colleague at work. She felt everyone was better and she had nothing to offer. She didn’t appreciate anything about herself and she feels Roland has been deceiving her. She believes she is empty and no one can genuinely love an empty barrel.  All these, she said was because of several steps she took in the past that made her feel like a failure and good for nothing.

Wow……no wonder she has had it tough relating with people. She reads meaning to every statement made by her spouse and she misunderstands what people do to her even when they have good intentions. The question is: how can Esther and every one of us in Esther’s shoes deal with this? Thanks to the first part of this article, Esther has learnt to change her thoughts about herself.

In order to take it further, the counselor tells her: FORGIVE YOURSELF. This is important because we have all done certain things in the past that we are not proud of. Like Esther, whenever we remember certain things, we blame ourselves. In contrary, start to take responsibility for what has happened and focus on a better future rather than blame yourself. Forgiveness is not from the head (not based on knowledge) but from the heart. You will need to convince yourself that if you knew better, you would have done better. Mind you, none of us is a saint. Let go and make room for love.

Secondly, change what you say about yourself. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. What you say of yourself is a product of your thoughts, and your description of yourself determines your outcome in life. When we have healthy thoughts about ourselves, our words will become healthy words and we will love ourselves in healthy ways. My question is: do you talk down on yourself or do you boast of who you are not in a bit to impress someone?

Telling people who you are not is a sign that you don’t love yourself and it becomes difficult to enjoy any relationship if you don’t love yourself. This happens mostly when you prefer other people’s views of who you are to what you know about YOU. Desiring human approval is not totally wrong but we must not be addicted to approvals.

Dear friend, learn to celebrate yourself and you will be happy without feeling anyone must do it for you. Whatever will make you happy, don’t wait for anyone to do it or say it to you. Say it to yourself.
CHEERS! – Motolani.

LOVE STARTS WITH ME

I used to believe that the 20s was the best time in life to snag a mate.
From my perspective as a 13-year-old girl, the 20s seemed like the prime years of life, a time for independence, freedom, and for falling in love. I’m imagined I’d be young and fresh, exciting and energetic, inspired and in love…what a perfect time for a romance. Finding love would be easy, in your 20s.

I don’t know that I believe that, anymore. Now that I’m married and also passed my 20’s- I look back at some of those earlier years and realize how little I actually knew. There was a world of experiences and lessons yet to be had in the decade that followed. There’s so much that I know now, that I didn’t know back then, that I had to learn along the way.
If my teen years taught me how to be “self-centered”, my 20s taught me that I really had very little grasp of my “true self”. I had no idea who I was or where I was going- even when I thought I had a clue. If I could write a relationship manual to my 20-year old self, here’s what it would say:

1. Date…Yourself: The 20s really are an incredible time in life. As your independence develops, the world opens up in ways it never could have before. But more than anything, your 20s is actually a time of transformation. You are changing, growing, maturing, and evolving more rapidly than you could even imagine. Your personality is just starting to take shape, and the seeds of interests, passions, talents that were planted in your teen years are only now starting to grow.
While it may be so tempting to search for love, don’t do it without first taking the time to date yourself. Before I get into relationship advice, let me start by introducing the concept of Dating Inward. In other words, get to know yourself. Know who you are, what you need, and where you’re going. Get a good grasp of the story you’re creating for yourself, because only then will you be able to recognize the kind of person who fits into your story.

2. Don’t Fixate on Being Single: I’m sad I wasted so many years focused on “being single” because looking back, my 20s was a time filled with relationships and life. I was surrounded by amazing friends in college, mentors and professors who invested in me, an incredible community, and relatives who supported me. God had surrounded me with a community of rich and life-giving people that I often-times missed out on because I was so caught up with the fact that Bose on the next street just got engaged, and chinenye was planning her wedding, and Jane  just got flowers from her boyfriend. I wasted too many opportunities to connect with significant people in my life, because I was focused on finding a “significant other”…..

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3. Don’t Act Desperate, Because You’re Not: If age was actually an indicator of being “desperate”…your 20’s definitely doesn’t make the cut. Why is it then, that there are so many 20-year-olds feeling like they need to catch the marriage boat before the clock strikes midnight and they turn the dreaded 3-0? So much compromise, settling, and life-altering mistakes happen in a person’s 20s because they would rather be with someone than deal with the fear of being alone. So many people are left with the biggest regrets of their life, things they wish they would have resisted in their 20s.

Sadly, we’re all part of the problem. We’ve created a culture that puts pressure on men and women to get married at a certain time, a certain age, in a certain way. But at the end of the day, finding the right marriage has little to do with our timing- or anyone else’s for that matter- and everything to do with God’s timing. Remember the only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel. Block out all the voices, the expectations, and the fears- and keep your eyes fixed on what is in front and within you. Look at all that the many blessings that surrounds you and then relax, let go, and trust God for the rest. Greater things are yet to come.

4. Don’t Wait to Live Your Life: Stop waiting, and start living. That should be the motto every 20-year-old hangs on their wall. The 20’s are filled with so much “waiting”: waiting for the right school, the right job, the right opportunity, the right spouse, the right income….waiting for that house, that car, that insurance plan. Waiting for love, for marriage, for family etc. Whatever it is you are waiting for, stop waiting and start living.
So much of our life is wasted in waiting, when God is calling us to enjoy the life He’s given us right here and right now. We don’t need another thing to happen in order for us to live our lives, we just need more of what we have already that brings us Joy. We were made to rejoice in life, Right here, and right now. -DEBRA FILETA

RELATIONSHIP CHECKLIST

The whole essence of our relationships is to find someone that can complement us, make us better and above all walk with us to a mutual destination. This week we have come up with 70 questions you need to ask yourself before saying yes to that person and if you have, it’s time to start keeping tabs on these little things. 70? Yes, 70! It will be divided into two editions, so you can’t afford to miss the next edition.

Few weeks ago I spoke to a lady who wanted to know if the current dude she was dating is the right person. The question sounded so vague and I had to pause for a few moments before responding to her. My response wasn’t an answer like she would have desired but a series of unending questions.

Similarly, there are lots of folks who have this same question on their minds; so I decided to list a few (maybe not few) questions you should ask yourself when in doubt about that relationship you’re in. There are really no right or wrong answers to these questions but then you’ll know certainly if you are in the right relationship or not after genuinely answering these questions.

1.    Has your partner discovered his/her purpose; what is your partner passionate about? No, I’m not asking if he has a job!

2.    Is your partner encouraging and supportive of what you want in life?

3.    Does your partner have a mentor; an authority figure who (s) he’s submitted to?

4.    Does she respect you?

5.    Do you feel safe around him?

6.    Are you being your authentic self around your partner?

7.    Can I express myself freely when difficult situations come up?

8.    Is he genuinely happy for me when good things happen to me?

9.    Has he ever raised his hand and threatened me?

10.    Does (s)he respect her parents and older siblings?

11.    What was your first impression about your partner?

12.    What did you like or love about your partner?

13.    Do you still like what you loved about your partner and why?

14.    Are you happy with the intimacy you share?

15.    Are you in the relationship because you’re desperate to get married?

16.    Do you feel the same the way you felt for your partner at the beginning of the relationship?

17.    Are you positively affecting each other’s life?

18.    Are you having fun with your partner?

19.    Do I like who I am when I’m with and without him?

20.    Do I feel uplifted or drained when we’re together?

21.    Can I live with his quirky behaviors and traits?

22.    Do I like him the way he is if he never changes?

23.    Do you share similar core values with your partner?

24.    Do you share similar religious views?

25.    Do you respect each other’s beliefs?

26.    What new things have you gotten involved in because of your partner’s influence?

27.    Ladies; does he make you cry too often that you probably don’t remember times you laughed together

28.    Do you like spending time with your partner’s friends and family?

29.    Do my family and friends like my partner?

30.    Do I like my partner’s family and friends?

TO BE CONTINUED- By Motolani Olanipekun

THE BEST PLACE TO GET A GOOD WIFE IS IN A MATCHMAKER’S OFFICE.

You might disagreed with me when I talked about chasing a good woman instead of chasing money, but have you ever considered the life of a rich man with a bad wife? Is there any peace of mind or stable life for a man who is married to a troublesome woman?

Your marriage is your life. To some extent, getting it wrong/right determines how the journey of your life will end. In my years of practice as a matchmaker, I have noticed that the “good girls” are majorly the ones finding it difficult to get married. This is because, men want to make money before getting married, and when they “get any woman I want after making money”, like they always say, its usually the ‘bad girls.’

These are girls you will always find with guys who have money to throw around, the good girls won’t run after money and will not want to send the wrong signal of marrying a man because of his money.

So, most time, the ‘bad girls’ are the first to get married, because they are readily available, they are not worried about virtues or keeping virginity. They will follow men just because of their money and they readily understand the cunning skills to keep their men for life.

This explains why we have so many troubled marriages these days, women marrying for wrong reasons, and the men falling preys by making themselves available for such women.

This also explains why I have graduates, homely, internationally trained good girls with good jobs who are virgins, still trying to get married. You dont believe me right? Because you believe all women wants money, I have 27, 30, 33, 40 and even 41 years old virgins, and so what? These are exceptional ladies whose values cannot be bought with money.

Register with Intimate Matchmaking today and meet real and genuine women: www.intimatematchaking.com

CHASE A REAL WOMAN INSTEAD OF CHASING MONEY

“There are more women than men” a very common statement among young men these days, some will even go as far as quoting Isaiah 4:1, but i can categorically tell you that, the number of men of marriageable age are currently more than those of women, even here in Nigeria. The reason why men seems to be more than men is because of the economic situation, the men who are due for marriage are not able to take the steps because of their financial situation.

My point here is not about the economy, but about the fact that a lot of young men are getting it all wrong. If these young men can divert half of the energy they are using, trying to make money, get a 3 bedroom apartment, buy a car… bla bla… to making sure they get the right woman, getting to the desired destination will be shorter and less rigorous.

Good women dont marry just for money, money is just an icing on the cake for real women, and when you find one, she will join you to work on a better future and your speed will increase. The right two will always be better than one. “Make money and get any woman you want” is the beginning of a lifetime mistake and marital failure. you dont believe my first statement? Google is your friend. Wont you rather get a good woman who will build with you? Register now at: www.intimatematchmaking.com

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